she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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