Got a toothbrush?
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
