I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
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