My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Drunk is a universal language darling
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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