At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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