i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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