I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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