i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
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