hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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