so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Randomize
