He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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