Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
The air taste purple.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
