I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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