Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
