he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize
