I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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