I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
