mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
