How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
