there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
