There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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