Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
How does it feel to date your dad?
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