I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
