Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
