We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize