He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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