i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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