im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
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