So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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