I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
