Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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