I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
