he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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