Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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