Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Randomize
