Sober January is a disaster.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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