did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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