If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
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