Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
