Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
