What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
