he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
