If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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