I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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