ya dads aren't the best wingmen
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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