This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
