My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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