1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Randomize
