i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
