In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
