Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Randomize