Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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