My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
