Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize