I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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