Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
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