He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
