I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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