I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize