i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize