Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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